Day 11

It’s been 11 days already and I think I sort of gotten over it. But then I start to question myself. Why is it that I’m able to get over it so quickly? Is it because I never cherished this relationship at all? Or is it because I didn’t put in enough effort from the start so that’s why I’m not afraid of losing her?
Anyway, I went to the airport yesterday with my junior to eat and catch up with one another because we hadn’t really seen each other for quite some time and we got new matching pencil boxes from Muji. And at the same time, I got a card holder as well.
And then I thought of her because she always loses her EZ-link card. Maybe if I was actually more mindful of my words and continued on this relationship, such thoughts wouldn’t have actually been lingering in my mind. I initially wanted to get it over and done with before SR friendship games but she said she wasn’t ready to talk things out. I really wish I could turn back time at times so that we could celebrate SR friendship games with our friendship and eventually hoping to see #threeyearsandongoing but I doubt that would happen anymore. I’m still in a constant dilemma as to whether to continue pursuing this friendship or not. We went a long way back, since the end of sec 3 (2011) and we came till today in the same school. Was it part of God’s arrangement? Was it part of His arrangement for us to end up like this as well? Theses questions wander around my mind all the time. What am I supposed to do from now?

Blessed

I don’t know why but these few days, I’ve been feeling blessed that I’ve got nice classmates. Something that I hadn’t really felt in the past. Of course, the fault did lie in me for that. People have been talking to me and I really feel blessed when I know that I’ve put smiles on people’s face and that includes my classmates. I really want to be a blessing to others and really hope that they would appreciate it too. I’ve been trying to crack jokes more often now to make them smile. But I still miss you.

I had a dream

Woke up to a really great dream today. A dream which I really hope could turn into reality. I dreamt that our friendship got restored. I remembered smiling throughout even during my sleep, I could feel it. But soon after, I realized that it was only a dream.

Day 6

Its been 6 days now. I really do not know how long can I keep this up. I really do not want to carry on like this. But is this war one that’s worth fighting for? Is it still a war if it’s just me against the world or is it just a defeat? I’ve still yet to get over the fact that that photo got deleted off. It really meant a lot to me as every photo with someone symbolizes a close sense of friendship. I mean you wouldn’t take a photo with anyone and post it on Instagram right? I really don’t know what she is going to do next and what am I going to do next. She really means a lot to me. One of the closest people I’ve in SR and definitely the closest junior I have there. I’m willing to do anything and everything to salvage this relationship. But if things are going to carry one one-way, there’s really not much I can do. I’m lost.

But after I went home today and decided to surf Instagram from a while. Idk why but I sort of suspected that I got I un-tagged from photos and it turned out to be true. Apparently she deleted a photo of us off Instagram. Idk when she did it but I guess it’s her way of making her stand clear and that really sucked and was sort of heartbreaking. I really don’t know what to do now. I’ve really tried my best. Maybe it’s because I’m not trying hard enough? Or maybe it’s just time for me to face the fact that no matter how hard I try, nothing is going to change. I’m at a loss.

For good and for worse

It’s been a really long day today, starting the day off with PE where I finally took my NAPFA test after much delay. Results were pretty decent especially with the fact that I got a silver for my Standing Board Jump! (222 on the dot)! Achieved a new personal best for sit-ups too at 60/min! 😄 followed by 2.4km run (11:55) SR (10.1s) Sit and reach (45cm) pull-ups (12) haha! It was pretty tiring but I really preferred doing it in a smaller group as it made me felt less stress. So that was basically the crux for school today! After school I attended Prayer Point for the 1st time after much hesitation and rejections for my friend for his past few attempts in convincing me to go. But I can’t deny that it has indeed been a great experience for me! Considering the fact that I’ve sort of dropped out of church for quite some time, this prayer point is indeed a refreshing start for me and a platform for me to seek God even more. And I would really want to thank God for providing me with such a great friend who constantly tries to get me to attend PP for if not for him (KahYi) I doubt I would feel so blessed tonight. :) Thank you Kah Yi!

Fault.

Maybe it was my fault from the start, I never spared a thought for others. I always thought that what I was doing was right and it would’ve brought smiles to people. But nope, sadly it didn’t and I guess I’m just insignificant. I’m sorry. Am I too nice to deserve it? I’m not being arrogant or anything but “You’re one of the nicest person I’ve met in SR” “Thanks a lot Wing! Really appreciate it!!” are some of the common compliments I get at times and these really spurred me on and meant a lot to me. But compliments went the only things that meant to me. Criticisms too. “Don’t treat me so nice” “Don’t waste your time” were some of those I received too. It’s not that I can’t take criticisms but why do people like to put others down with such words? Can’t people spare some thought for me? Can’t they just take a bit of appreciation for it? But then again, it’s good that there’re truthful, at least I know where I stand. So, to what extent should humans be truthful? Is being truthful now a moral or pragmatic moral value?
It really sucks to know that people do not appreciate your effort but it sucks equally to know that you’ve been in a deluded state all this while.